Welcome to my personal diary!

2:45 AM

Hi, My real name is Arlene and I currently live in ▇▇▇▇▇ (somewhere in the hellhole of the Midwest). I don't know what to even write here. I guess I can talk about how I got into the TCC (true crime community)

It first started out when I was eight years old, my ex-stepmom always had crime TV on during dinner. (How did I not be disgusted.no idea.) Anyway, She did the whole "eat at the dinner table!!" thing. But the adults could sit on the couch and eat there. Odd. The first case I had ever heard about was the BTK killer as the narrator droned on about it and showed photos that were specifically released to the media. I was half-focused in. In 2024, I had gotten into podcasts (gahh...No possible way to consume true crime "ethically.") I had told myself that I only had it on for background noise and wouldn't delve too deep into it. Slowly, but surely, I had started to watch videos about crimes, Wendigoons Iceberg videos and such. I finally gave in and made a tumblr. I had actually took an interest in writing, Of course, I wouldn't become a book author, But some headcanons and shitty fanfictions here and there.

Before one of you (semi) idiots start rambling about how theyve hurt people and stuff -- Its just writing. Yeah, They did all tha5t shit but it already happened...Also, Dont like..Dont read!

3:56AM

I am ex-christian. I remember asking myself (during prayer) "why do I exactly do this?" (Or something along those lines.) I seldomly wonder if going agnostic was the right choice. mmm, Sorry about the religion talk. I don't normally talk about it. me and my friend went down to the shooting range for the first time ever. I shot a Ruger-57. The recoil on the gun was actually light. Later, Another friend (who was actually into guns) showed me how to shoot a carbine. It felt good to shoot, for once; I knew why people liked guns or went shooting as a form of hobby. I found a god in the barrel of a carbine, A soul in the trigger; a life in the bullets.

I'm not religious. Last month, I tried praying the catholic way -- With the rosary. I found solace in the simple, wooden beads, Each one for a prayer to the higher above's. I am grasping for everything and nothing at the same time. I yearn for infinity but a void.

These entires have been compiled into a big one

April 3RD, 12:54AM

I really havent talked about my friend(s). Ive been meaning to mention them How we met? I suppose by daily conversations and shared interests. AJ, I mentioned him earlier as the guy who was actually into guns. Hes a good guy, Ive been friends with him for like 4 months. I just kinda spoke to him one day in English and it sprouted from there, I suppose

April 6TH, 1:32PM

gaahh..No idea what to talk about. I have this one special friend that means everything to me. Ive been caught up with schoolwork. I gave some kids answers to a shitty math test I had. I dont midn helping people in general. Its a no biggie. Im really tired.

April 11TH, 6:12PM

I like the internet, so much cool people on here. Although, a ton of idiots. I dont like social media (modern to beexact. . .) I met this guy online and he seems awesome, Hes into Nine Inch Nails like me :) The age gap is big (4 years..) Hes 19 and I dont think he can harm me lol

April 15TH, 3:34AM

Hows your day been? I hope its good. It feels like im speaking into a void at this point. Ive been sleeping a little more. Me and that online friend have been playing Fallout 76 together. Ive leanred that he also enjoys Stardew Valley :)

April 17TH, 4:55AM

wrote a letter to A.B. . i Feel awesome. DAONT liike therapy

April 20TH, 7:04AM

SINCE WHEN WERE THE BASEMENT TAPE TRANSCRIPT RELEASED ??????>????? anyway, I have no idea what im writng now. fuck. um.
I know its a shit-ass diary amd im supposed to be breaking out my feelings but I just cant. I have MDD, There. I said it. A lot of the time, I feel everything and nolthing. Emotions feel dull even if I feel everything. Whats wrong with me? How cAn I pour out my feelings to losers who are across the world but not the internet?
I believe even the worst people have some potential in them. That is a flaw I have. My father has called me "nice" and "sweet." Maybe that's a flaw? I am willing to help anyone with anything. I will support my friends. I tend to people please, which is my biggest flaw. I wish I was a bit meaner.

My mother died when I was 6. She drunk herself to her own godamn grave. I have some form of hatered of alcoholism; the illness, Not the people. Turns out people don't tell you stuff when a parent dies, Like your gonna be grieving them for a long time, or that you can't stand seeing that empty seat when you get married or finally graduate. People are always saying "It's gonna get better" But in reality, This is as good as its gonna get. They were wrong about the 5-7 stages of grief. It's different for everyone. But this grief feels like a mix of Chronic and complicated. The way it never ends; A never ending hall. It feels ambiguous, The way I never got to say goodbye. I had to teach myself hair and makeup, But when I see a girl and her mom, I'm secretly jealous. Why can't I have my mom? It's not fair. I have told my best friends more secrets than her grave.

I see more of herself in me than..well, her. It hurts. I like TV girl. Hate memory.

April 27TH, 1:06AM

Im tired. someone remind me to fix shit on this website.. How do you bitches code? need fix source code4.

Future

I always knew what I was going to be when I grew up, But ever since I lost my really good friend.. Things havenet been the same. I'll be honest, half of the days seem to go into a blur or its all mushed in together. I dont know who I am without them. -- They seemed like my everything. Everyday seemed waaay less shittier with them in totality. What do I do when this pure obsession turns to hatred?

SPLIT.

I have gotten back with ,my boyfrienmd. He is an overthinker but I stil love him. Here are things I believe that someone needs in a house to make it a home..